a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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