im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
