I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
