I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
