I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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