god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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