it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
