i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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