Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm at about main and main street
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
