Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
