Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
