I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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