i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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