I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
