So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
