he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Did I show you my penis last night?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
