I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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