Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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