Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
