I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
