I just saw a hot homeless man
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
