She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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