I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
