stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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