Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
