i wish starbucks made bloody marys
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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