sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
