I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
