She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
