K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
