I faked an abortion last night.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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