My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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