I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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