so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
