Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
