The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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