Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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