OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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