He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
