your parents love me but you hate me
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
