Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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