Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
