Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
