Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
