She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
