At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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