He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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