We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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