The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
