We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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